Ashton Deroy Writes:
This is a conversational blog. Not a blog of authority or academic article.
Are you codependent? I am, plain & simple. Let me re-phrase. Do you over rely on your partner even if they are sick, mentally ill or an addict? That is co-dependence. Too many people with this psychological issue don’t understand what is going wrong with them. It keeps them from leaving a partner who cheats, hurts them & mistreats them. I was codependent and I still can over rely on times towards the wrong friends.
One of the things I am seeing a lot of on #Codependence on Instagram is people complaining about cheaters. They tend to say stuff like cheaters cheat to hurt you, cheaters are sociopaths and cheaters are basically scum of the earth! Okay stop, listen if cheating has been a form of consistent abuse you experience. I am not saying you deserve it. I am just saying you always knew it was there on some level! Regular people don’t get cheated on as a lifestyle! People who overly cling to their love interests, practice a lack of boundaries & are attracted to narcissists are naturally going to attract cheaters. You also see it to people who are magnets to dysfunctional relationships because of a lack of mental health resources. Here are 3 red flags to spot a cheater & avoid them if that is what you choose.
- Cheaters have no boundaries – I have experienced my first boyfriend hitting on my brother. I’ve seen the same kinds of people who cheat also do stuff like get minors overly intoxicated. Cheaters sometimes are exactly what we say, people of low moral character. If you are well read & have a strong moral character. This is something you should be able to pick up on. It is one thing when a girl dates a fuckboy or a boy dates a party girl. It is another thing when people are telling them “That is their entire identity” but the victim of cheating refuses to listen or uses denial. By the way if you use denial to view your fuckboy or party girl in a better light. You are not an innocent victim! You literally should of picked up on this the first time your friends told you.
- Cheaters are not programmed for monogamy – In this case I do not blame the cheater as much. When someone asks for an open relationship? Clearly monogamy is not going to be a long term solution for this person. This doesn’t mean you can’t still have a healthy relationship. However if you say no but continue to try to posses your partner exclusively and then they still go forward & cheat. I really do blame the person cheated on. On some level in this scenario the cheater is taking responsibility for themselves while trying to maintain the relationship. The person who says no to the open relationship is experiencing denial and using a closed mind. Not using any foresight whatsoever. This was a scenario of forced monogamy. You said no to the relationship that would work better for this person & kept them in a relationship that best benefited you. Recommended reading, Zhana Vrangalova Ph.D. asks are people in open relationships happier?
- Cheaters often use romantic rejection & withdrawn affection as weapons for control – This is something I kind of blame the person cheated on for. Your romantic partner rejected you in the very beginning. All it made you do was want to chase them harder! It isn’t romantic it is creepy, obsessive and you are saying I am open to be controlled and victimized. Not only that but the heavy pursuit of the desired mate whom rejected you is an attempt at pushing your monogamy on them. It is time to withdraw your pursuit of someone when they reject you. That is just the sane thing to do! When a partner withdraws affection? You don’t keep the relationship going, you try to use your time to resolve it and if it can’t be done. You have to move on.
Listen I honestly do not blame cheaters for everything because it is not all honestly their fault. Cheaters attract codependent, clingy and even unhealthy partners. Sometimes cheaters get together with people who were more interested in them than the other way around. Cheaters pleas for open relationships and or loosened relationships often go unheard. Lastly cheaters tell you early on with rejection this isn’t going to work. Whether the initial rejection is slight or direct, take it as a sign and move on.
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